Invader Mir
by The Shadowy Doom
Summary: The Tallests suddenly decide Earth is worth conquering, and and send in an Invader worthy of the task. Unfortunately, they leave one tiny detail out of her mission briefing. Zim. NO PAIRINGS, NO MARY SUE. R&R please!
1. Invader Mir

Hmm...I don't like this first chapter too much, but I thought I'd post it and see if anyone thinks the story worth continuing. I know the idea of another Invader being sent to Earth is cliched, but hopefully this story will have some unique points - and Mir's not a Mary Sue. Anyway, please R&R - your feedback will determine if I finish the story or not.

* * *

"My Tallest! My Tallest!" 

A small Irken advisor burst into the display room on the Massive, panting heavily. The two identical figures watching the screen turned irritably in unison. "What is it?" asked the crimson-eyed ruler. "And why haven't you brought me my nachos yet?" he added angrily, as an afterthought.

"Well, sir, I don't know about any nachos..." began the advisor in a confused manner, but, noting his superior's dangerous stare, he lied smoothly, "There was a slight problem in the storage area...a door was stuck, or something...the nachos will be here any second."

"Good," said Tallest Red happily, abandoning all thoughts of lazy advisors and open airlocks. The smaller Irken turned to go, but then stopped suddenly and turned back.

"Wait! I came to tell you that there's been a new food discovery!"

"A _new_ discovery?" Tallest Purple suddenly took interest. "But...we've already conquered all the planets with good snacks."

"Apparently not, sir," the advisor stammered. "This discovery has been brought to our attention by top-secret Navi'ir scouts. It hails from the far reaches of the universe, beyond the domain of the Irken Empire."

"Go on," said Red, with a slightly skeptical expression. Beyond the Irken Empire?

"The item is known as 'weffil', and it hails from a planet known as"...he consulted his notes..."Earth."

The advisor looked pleased as the two Tallest stared at him for a split second, then looked confused as they both hit their heads with their gauntlets in perfect unison. "My Tallest? Is there...a problem?"

Both Tallest looked shocked, and then Red replied, "Look, there's no _way_ we're going anywhere _near_ Earth. Besides, haven't we been informed that Earthenoid food is toxic to the superior Irken body?"

"I don't think so, sir..." said the little advisor, getting over the shock of Earth already being familiar to his leaders. "Many tests have been performed, and apparently these weffils have no adverse side effects. Please, at least come take a look at them...they're quite interesting."

The Tallests sat at a huge table, staring at the small items before them. They were flat, but with a strange, symmetrical pattern of indents arranged on either side. Finally, the purple Tallest picked one up gingerly. "It's...beautiful. What do you suppose it tastes like?" he asked his co-ruler.

Red rolled his eyes, as much as an Irken could. "Why don't you _taste_ one and find out?"

Purple frowned for a second, but then shrugged it off and popped the entire weffil into his mouth. "Hmm..." he said as he swallowed, "I think maybe you should try one."

His counterpart complied, a bit hesitantly. After consuming the small weffil, he said with slight surprise, "It's good...very good. But with all our technology, couldn't we just have the recipe formulated ourselves? I mean, it'd be _really_ nice if we could avoid Earth..."

A scientist spoke up. "No luck, sir. We've been trying for hours, and it never comes out right. These 'weffils' can only be made using substances found on Earth."

"Nonsense!" yelled the red Tallest. "You! Make me a weffil!" He pointed at a female food scientist with long antennae. She squirmed uncomfortably as she threw together her latest formula, hoping against hope that it would turn out well. As she handed the finished product to Red, Purple yelled, "It doesn't even _smell_ right! Throw her out the airlock!" he commanded a guard, who promptly obeyed. Red dropped the miserable excuse for a weffil on the table dejectedly.

"It looks like we have no choice," he told his partner. "This _Earth _must be conquered, and all of these so-called 'humans' made to toast weffils endlessly! In fact, the planet should be renamed to...to...Weffiltoastia!"

"Yeah!" Purple enthusiastically agreed, while eating more of the original weffils.

"So all we have to do now is find a _real _Invader worthy of such a mission."

"Mir." The tallest advisor stated. "She has conquered two planets for the Empire already - an ideal choice."

"Mir?" Red wore a look of slight distaste on his features. "She's pretty short...almost as short as Skoodge. Isn't there anyone...taller?"

"None with her record, sir..."

"Fine. Contact Invader Mir immediately."

"Right away, sir!" The advisor hurried off, glad to have survived the conversation with his Tallest. Even though his height was great, there was no reason why Almighty Tallest Red couldn't just have him used for target practice, if the idea happened to strike his fancy.

Tallest Red took one of the last weffils and chewed it contemplatively.

"Hey!" Purple called suddenly. "What about Zim? He'll ruin the whole thing!"

"What _about _Zim?" Red smirked. "We won't tell him what's going on. Let Mir deal with him - I never liked her much anyway - and when the Armada comes to take over the planet, we can send Zim somewhere even farther away." A sudden deviousness crossed his face. "Or...we can just have him executed for incompetence...I actually like that plan better."

"Ha! Perfect. You know, Red, you're not as stupid as you look." Purple dodged a laser shot, which hit the wall behind him.

"Sirs?" The tall advisor tentatively interrupted the almost-fight, much to Purple's relief. "Invader Mir is ready for her mission-briefing."

The Tallests followed the advisor without a word, shooting a glare at each other.

* * *

"Invader Mir, you have proven yourself a worthy Invader in all respects." 

The small Irken before them inclined her head in acknowledgement.

"Your new mission will be a planet known as 'Earth'. Your job is to prepare the world for the coming Armada, while finding all the information you possibly can on a food item called_...weffil. _Is this understood?"

The female bowed her head in respect and submission.

"Yes, my Tallest. I will obey."


	2. Weffiltoastia

Author's note: Well, it looks like at least one person likes the story, so I guess I'll continue for now. The thing is, I don't really know where I want to take the story in the later chapters. Oh well, I'll think of something...or not...

* * *

A standard Spittle Runner hurtled through space at amazing speed, headed for the Milky Way Galaxy - specifically, a small, unremarkable planet known as Earth. Inside it sat a small Invader, blue eyes set determinedly on the target. By her side floated a SIR unit, focused on a control panel it was tapping furiously. 

Invader Mir's eyes narrowed fractionally as she came within sight of her newest mission. Earth...a stupid name for a pathetic planet.

_Pitiful humans...prepare for your doom.

* * *

_

Zim sat in skool, utterly bored, sketching a picture of Dib's head being eaten by a giant sea monster. On the other side of class Dib, equally bored, stared off into space thinking of new ways to expose Zim.

"...and _that_ is why all of Earth will eventually be destroyed by mutant chipmunks." Ms. Bitters finished her lecture. "Any questions?" The class was silent, waiting to be released. Their teacher frowned. "I still have you for ten minutes. Your doomed souls belong to me!" She then launched into yet another long reason why the planet was due for destruction.

Zim crumpled his work of art and threw it at Dib's head, evoking an exclamation of surprise and slight pain. The large-headed boy glared back at his nemesis, and furiously began to write a note in reply, only to look up and find Ms. Bitters looming over him, displeased. "You're not paying attention, Dib."

He opened his mouth to reply that it was _Zim's_ fault, but she ignored it. "For your punishment, you'll be staying after class to clean the blackboard. And then you'll have to dirty it again!"

Dib looked horrified. He pointed at Zim with a cry of, "It's his fault! Zim's! He threw a--"

"Be quiet," she ordered. Dib sighed.

_I'll get you, Zim, just wait! You'll be sorry you ever came to Earth._

_

* * *

_

Mir landed her cloaked ship in a small lot in the middle of a city, near where the Navi'ir agent had found the first weffils. She'd have to contact him as soon as possible and download his information chips into her SIR...but first she needed a base and a disguise. "SIR! Stealth mode." The little robot became invisible at her quiet command. "Browse the area, and bring me information on 'normal' human appearances and dwellings."

"Yes, master!" Its reply was a bit too loud, but nobody seemed to be taking notice. The SIR floated off into the city, absorbing the wealth of information all around it. Mir sat patiently in her Runner, taking atmosphere readings. This planet's sun was a bit closer than she was accustomed to...she'd have to be careful of the heat. There also seemed to be an unknown, toxic substance in the air, but in small enough quantities that it shouldn't be a problem.

This planet was primitive by Irk's standards, but compared to her last planet, Kraal, she was sure Earth would provide a welcome challenge. After taking as many readings as she could from inside the ship, she lay back lazily and imagined the ceremony she'd recieve once back on Irk - the first Invader to conquer three planets. They wouldn't be able to deny her superiority then. The Tallest might even approve a small height-enhancing procedure, for such a special case. Soon she drifted into dormant mode, to await the return of her assistant.

It returned soon enough, and began to feed its information into the ship's computer as Mir awakened and watched. As soon as the SIR was finished, Mir instructed the computer to find her a disguise. It displayed choices, each based on a person seen that day. Mir was dismayed to find that the humans seemed to be quite tall, and she was forced to choose a child's disguise.

"Now for a base...unfortunately, it seems that we are in plain sight due to the time of day...well, it can't be helped." She found a common-looking Earth house and set her building capsule into the ground for construction. "Stand back," she instructed her SIR, which was still invisible - she'd decided to leave it in stealth mode for the time being.

Disguise hologram activated, she decided to take a walk. It was probably better to be away from the happening construction, so there was less chance of being associated with it. Now would be a good time to check out the human training facilities, which she planned to attend. What better way to acquire knowledge than the traditional way? Of course she could learn facts from observation, but she couldn't truly understand the culture until she became a part of it. She'd learned that lesson the hard way with her first planet, and almost lost the conquest. She winced at the memory.

_Ah, there it is._ A large, ugly building with strange devices outside - human training tools, no doubt. In badly-written letters on the front was the word 'SKOOL'. _Skool? That's not right...is it?_ She stared at it puzzled, but then shrugged and went closer.

"SIR! Activate spy camera!" She waited a few seconds for it to comply. "Now show me the inside of this 'skool'."

The SIR floated to the window and hovered, while Mir activated her connected video screen and watched the scene inside.

* * *

Ms. Bitters droned on and on, Zim making a show of listening attentively, Dib still trying to figure out how Zim managed to throw mayonnaise on _every single child_ in the cafeteria but Dib. He must have the most horrendous aim in the universe, thought Dib with a barely-concealed smirk. 

"Dib!" Ms. Bitters snapped his name, startling the young human.

"Um...yes ma'am?"

"What reason do we have to believe that children in Romania will eventually become vampire zombies?"

He barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. She'd given at least three reasons this year, none of which made any sense whatsoever.

"No reason at all! Count Cocofang doesn't come from Romania, he doesn't have his demon spawn at work turning innocent children into vampires - _Count Cocofang isn't even real!_" Suddenly Dib stopped yelling, as if realizing who he was talking to. He looked tentatively at the teacher's desk, only to find it empty and the entire class staring at him in horror. Taking a nervous gulp of air, he turned to look behind him. There stood Ms. Bitters, looking quite angry.

"This is the second time today you've caused trouble, Dib! This time, I won't make you wait for your punishment." She removed a small vial from somewhere in the folds of her dress. The entire class, even though they hated Dib, held their collective breath. The scary teacher opened the vial and dumped the clear liquid on Dib's rather large head. For a minute there was no reaction, as she snaked back to her desk.

"Was...that supposed to do anythi--_AAAHHH!!!!!_" Dib's question ended in a scream as he frantically scratched his terribly itchy scalp. Zim laughed derisively in the background, all his pretense of studying forgotten.

"Pitiful Dib-stink! When I conquer this filthy dirt-ball, I shall put itchy-stuff on the head of every human left alive!" Then, noticing the strange stares he was recieving from his classmates, he added, pointing randomly at a human child, "Zim is normal - more normal than you!"

They were satisfied, and returned their attention to Ms. Bitters' dismal lecture.

* * *

Mir deactivated her video feed and began to walk "home", brow furrowed in thought. These humans' methods of punishment were most fascinating. And that one green kid was weird...she hadn't seen any green humans before, but there were so many other colors that she decided green must simply be a rarer skin coloration. Still, the name sounded vaguely familiar...Zim... 

She decided to ignore it for the time being, and reviewed the other things she'd learned. Despite what that Zim had said, the Dib-stink seemed more intelligent than his fellows. She'd have to be careful.

Soon she arrived at her landing site - now completely transformed. Instead of an empty lot was a small, brown, almost human-looking house - true, it was sucking its power from the houses around it, but since the wires were mostly underground and the drainage from each individual house was very minimal, she doubted it'd be noticed.

If the construction had gathered any onlookers, there were none here now. Mir marched proudly into her new base and prepared to contact the Tallest.

* * *

Author's note: So, please tell me what you think - I'd give you brownies! By the way, I know blue eyes on female OC Irkens are pretty cliched, but I actually drew the character before thinking of the story, and they ended up blue. Sorry. 


	3. The Fuzzy Threat and Sandwiches

_Author's note: Hmm...I nearly forgot I had this story! If my understanding of its basic plot was low before, I'm sure it's fairly nonexistent now...oh well. I'll do my best. If my best ends up being unbearable drivel, be sure to let me know and I'll stop. LOL_

_Oh, and I never did put a disclaimer on this story. Here it is, then: I don't own Invader Zim. People whose names I don't remember (and probably couldn't pronounce if I did) own it, and if God is merciful those people won't sue me. I don't have any money anyway._

**Chapter Three**

"These humans are fascinating creatures, my Tallest. They come in so many colors, and they have a strange fuzzy mop-like apparatus attatched to their heads. Further research is required to ascertain if said apparatus is a defensive weapon. However, I have infiltrated their training system, and will soon be made aware of all the secrets of humanoidity! Invader Mir, signing off."

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Ms. Bitters raised her head to address her students. "I have just been informed by the principal that this terrible day will soon be made even more unbearable by an addition to the class." At the perfect moment, the door burst open and a small human child walked meekly to the teacher's desk. Ms. Bitters frowned at her and continued. "Her name is Mir."

The class repeated it in unison, as if in a trance. "Hello Mir."

"Greetings, fellow humans. I am honored to be counted among your number, and I humbly accept my position in your training facility." Satisfied with her speech, Mir bowed her head and made her way to the desk indicated by Ms. Bitters.

---------------------------

Mir walked slowly down the school steps. Recess had been called, and though she was not familiar with the term she had followed the lead of the other children. In her head, she was trying to make sense of the information she had gathered so far that day. According to the instructor, in France there was a base known as Paris. Also according to the instructor, everybody in Paris had been infected with a disease known as kleptosandwichmania, which would eventually spread to the entire world. The disease had been created by sadistic scientists and its effect was an unnatural urge to steal other people's sandwiches, causing fights to break out worldwide, sandwich hoarding by the more powerful members of the human race, and eventually the mass suicide of all humanity. Mir wasn't sure if the instructor was entirely qualified for her job, but she was quite sure of one thing: kleptosandwichmania must not be allowed to spread. Mass suicide was not permittable - the Tallest wanted the humans enslaved, not destroyed!

But as she plotted a way to avoid this obstacle, voices intruded into her mind. Loud, exasperated voices.

"Why can't you see what's right in front of you? Why are you all so blind?! Did your parents give you _brain suppressants?!_"

The reply was instantaneous. "You're stupid. You must be taking stupidpressants."

"Yeah!" another voice shrieked, laughing. "Aliens, like, don't exist! Like, everybody knows that!"

At that Mir glanced over to see the child Dib arguing with a few of his classmates, while Zim looked on in triumph. "Do you mean to say," she addressed the child who had spoken last, "that you are not aware of the existence of life on other planets?"

Both Dib's and Zim's shocked gazes were instantly on her. "Um, of course, what I meant," she stammered, "what I meant was, the odds against this being the only planet with intelligent..."-she choked on the word-"...intelligent life are very, very low." Zim frowned at her for a second, but accepted her explanation and her innocent look. With a parting smirk at the Dib, he marched off to sit on a bench and observe some children playing with a ball.

Dib turned back to Mir. "So, you believe in aliens?" His question was too eager, suggesting an obsession with the subject. She decided to tread carefully. "Well, of course there is that possibility."

He smiled. "Wow. You're the first kid I've met who doesn't think I'm insane for thinking aliens exist!"

"Well, I'm not sure how to put this, but the majority of your fellows seem of...rather low intelligence."

"True," he said wryly, then brightened up. "Wanna sit down?" He pointed to an empty bench.

She decided to take a small chance, and gain the information she wanted most at the moment. "Is your weapon deactivated?"

He looked confused, until he saw that her inquisitive gaze was fixed on the top of his head. Suddenly his color changed from pale to a red color, at an alarmingly fast rate of speed. "_My head's not big!_" he shouted, and turned to run away.

Mir's eye twitched. This was certainly strange behaviour. However, she was now fairly sure that the fuzzy mass on top of the humans' heads was not a weapon.

---------------------------

"My Tallest. I have learned much today, the most important issue being a plot to cause the mass suicide of humanity. Am now doing research to ascertain whether this plot is a hoax or not - but if not, rest assured that I will not allow the suicide to occur. Oh, and by the way: apparently the apparatus on the Earthenoids' heads is not dangerous. It may be a naturally-occurring head-warming device. Invader Mir, signing off."

_Author's note: So, is it any good any more? Let me know! Brownies to reviewers, as always. Also, if anybody has any good ideas for the plot, let me know! I could sure use the inspiration. :-)_


End file.
